RYAN & DONNY'S HALF-ASSED SUBSTACK PODCAST | episode 5

Featuring the first-ever COMIC CREATORS FIGHT CLUB!

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Ryan Stegman: (In a weird voice) Hey everybody! Welcome to another edition of Ryan and Donny's Half-Assed Substack Podcast!

Donny Cates: Ryan, you have to shut up. That's not what we're doing here. This is this is a Half-Assed Substack Podcast, but there is a level of professionality to this thing.

Ryan: (In same weird voice) Professionality is not a word!

Griffin Sheridan: Got his ass.

Ryan: Tell us what we're doing, we don't want to do any more intros.

Donny: We don't know what we're doing. We have no idea what we're doing.

Griffin: Tell you what you're gonna be doing, is hypothetically kicking ass.

Ethan S. Parker: Hypothetically. That's right. This is the first official KLC Press Comic Creators Fight Club, courtesy of John J. Hill. This was his concept, we fluffed it out a bit.

Ryan: Donny's already mad about this.

Ethan: We're gonna be taking all your favorite comics creators and deciding who exactly could beat the shit out of who. Now, there are rules to this. And there are parameters, but where we have to begin is just a couple of quick questions for you guys. So, just off the top of the dome, knee-jerk response: Who do you know for a fact you could take in a fight in the comic book industry?

Donny: I mean, both of you.

Ethan & Griffin: Oh shit, we're in the industry!

Donny: I'm a lover, not a fighter. I'm not a fighting kind of a guy.

Ethan: But that's not the mindset, man. You got to get in the mode. Riled up.

Ryan: Just by that response, I can tell you I could take Donny.

Donny: Oh, yeah, easily. Very, very, very easily. So, growing up as a fat kid who had a stutter, I got into so many fucking fights as a kid. I won a fair amount of them, lost a lot more of them. But I don't particularly enjoy them. Let's see, in the industry. Gosh, who could I beat up? Such a hard question.

Ryan: Daniel Warren Johnson would just, like, roll up into a ball.

Donny: Yeah. We could go through the Felix boys. So, like, Geoff Shaw could beat the shit out of me, Geoff Shaw is enormous. Let's see, guys I've worked with...

Ryan: Dylan. Dylan Burnett.

Donny: I could take Dylan. Almost anyone from Canada, I feel like I could take.

Ryan: Riley Rossmo for sure.

Donny: Yeah. Ryan Ottley, I feel would be like--

Ryan: No, he's got quiet rage.

Donny: It would take a lot to get Ottley to hit you back. Like, I feel like he'd be like, the Frankenstein. Just like, "Stop hitting me, stop hitting me", and then you don't, and then he just rips your fucking head off. I don't know. I feel like you guys are walking me down a road here.

Griffin: Alright. Alright. Listen.

Donny: You have some shit you want me to say, right?

Ethan: I mean, we're getting there. That was just right off the top. The second question is, before we get into the meat of this, who would you guys want backin' you up if you got into a fight? Who's your number one choice of comic book industry bodyguard?

Ryan: Well, Doug Mahnke. Have you seen his Instagram lately? His arms are as big as... Well, they're like, bigger than my legs.

Donny: I mean, off the top of my head? Capullo.

Ryan: Yeah. I think he had some brawling days. From what I understand.

Donny: Okay, I'll just chop it up into, like, an artist and a writer that I would want to have my back in a fight. Capullo, as an artist, I feel like is so big and intimidating that that fight is going to be over pretty quick. And that person is going to, like, back off and we're going to go our separate ways, right? But, if I'm getting into a fight with the intention of really, really, like, going to prison... Look no further than Frank Tieri.

Ethan: That was gonna be my answer!

Donny: Frank Tieri will go to prison for you.

Ryan: I think he wants to.

Donny: I have had to literally grab him by the shoulders and tell him, "Do not hurt that person who cut in front of us at the hot dog line". Just, like, calm down. I feel like if he was actually given the green light, I feel like there's not a more dangerous man in comics than Frank Tieri.

Ethan: I buy that. Well, good answers all around.

Griffin: Are you ready for the tournament, though?

Ethan: Yeah, we got to go over the rules real quick. So, we're gonna present you guys with some fights here, some matchups. And what you got to let us know is who would win, obviously, but within these parameters: The idea is that these people, these two or more people, appear at opposite ends of a standard football field. Okay, and they immediately perceive each other as a threat. Okay, and then the fight begins. Alright, now they don't have weapons. What they have is what they would probably normally have on them in their pockets or whatever.

Donny: A wallet, a billfold, a purse.

Ethan: Sure, but if it was Frank, then you never know. It could be anything in those pockets.

Donny: I have a vape on me most times.

Ethan: Exactly. Your standard equipment.

Donny: So may I ask one thing? When you say they immediately perceive each other as a threat... Is this a "two men enter one man leaves"--

Ethan: This is to the death, yeah. (Laughs)

Ryan: This is just like Kong Vs. Godzilla, where there's no real explanation. They're just going to fight.

Ethan: That's right. Now, our first matchup is going to be personal for you boys. We're going to begin with Donny Cates and Ryan Stegman, team-up, versus Alan Moore.

Ryan: Oh my god.

Ethan: This is the "better than Watchmen" fight.

Donny: Listen to me. Listen, I adore Alan Moore. I worship the ground that he walks on. I have held him in my arms. He has put his arm around me, I have touched greatness. I have been to the top of the mountain, and it was beautiful. And he was just as kind as he could absolutely be. That being said, I feel like I would tell Ryan to go get me a Coke and I would stomp him into ashes.

Ethan & Griffin: (Die laughing)

Ryan: Here's the things you have to look out for with him. Number one, he's got a lot of rings. Second, he might be able to do some sort of magic.

Ethan: This is the essential element.

Donny: The magic is the thing, for sure.

Ethan: This is why there's two of you. This is why it's a team-up, because who knows what fucking tricks are up his sleeves?

Donny: You know what, though? I guess I'm a little bit biased by having, like, literally been to the dude's house and talked to him. Because all three of you and people at home, when you're thinking of him, you're thinking of him in his, like, serpent warlock thing, right?

Ethan: Yeah, exactly.

Donny: Like, I think he was wearing, like, a Hanes t-shirt and some shorts and was just like, someone's really sweet grandpa when I was there.

Ethan: So you would consider that his standard equipment.

Donny: Yeah, like if he was just teleported on a random day. I'm the most educated person on the subject in the room. Right? I think that's what you're gonna get. That version of him? You know.

Ryan: Grandpa version? We could kill him!

Ethan & Griffin: (Laughter)

Donny: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's just me and Ryan. You know, one guy who works out a lot, and is in great shape. And another guy who, depending on the day, doesn't care if he lives or dies, which makes me dangerous. I feel like that's a winning combo.

Ethan: You don't think that he has any quick-fire spells that don't require an artifact of any sort?

Donny: You know, I thought about that. And then I thought, well, that's a really stupid thing that I shouldn't say out loud because magic's not real.

Ethan: Okay, okay. I don't know, though.

Griffin: Bold stance.

Donny: Really? If magic were real, and you could just do it, we'd all be fucking doing it. I say that comfortably right now in my house, because my actual practicing witch wife just went to the store.

Ethan: I was about to say!

Griffin: Okay, Grant Morrison with magic versus Alan Moore with magic.

Ryan: Who's the better magician, is the question.

Donny: Well, I think you're dealing with dark and light. That's, you know, Saruman and fucking Gandalf. Did I get that right?

Griffin: Yes, you did.

Donny: Fuck yeah, dude. I did a nerd thing. I feel like... I was gonna say I feel like Grant has the capacity to go darker. But then I started thinking about some of the shit that Alan writes. There's a lot of depth in those graves. Grant versus Alan? Fuck, man. Coin toss. Let's say they're both equally matched with magic, right? And they're both up around the same age, and then about the same amount of power. You're dealing with an Englishman versus a Scot. My money's on a Scot.

Ethan: That's true.

Griffin: Good point.

Ethan: Alright, well, let's get rid of this magic bullshit, and let's go for purely physical power. Let's do a buff boy fight. Alright, this is gonna be a three-way fight between our very own Ryan Stegman... Jorge Jiménez...

Ryan: Oh god.

Ethan: And Greg Capullo.

Ryan: Jorge Jiménez can, like, do flips and shit.

Donny: It's Jorge immediately. What are you talking about.

Ryan: Unfortunately, I'm the first one out in that fight.

Donny: Yeah, you are.

Ryan: I'll let Greg and Jorge duke it out. I feel like Greg would somehow win.

Donny: Jorge's tall.

Ryan: No he's not.

Donny: Yeah he is, man! I met him in Paris!

Ryan: BRO. I'm taller than Jorge. I have this on him.

Griffin: Let him have this.

Donny: You guys wanna hear something insane?

Ethan: Of course we do.

Donny: I get my picture taken next to Stegman a lot. Right? Then people will comment and say "I didn't know Donny was so short". And I always come back and I say "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm six feet tall, Ryan's just crazy tall". On my license, it says six feet. My first one said 5'12" because I wrote that. Turns out, since I got my last driver's license, um, I'm 6'1".

Ethan: You grew! That's adorable.

Donny: It's like, The Matrix, like, glitched out or something. Because I swear to God, the last show I was at, Frank Tieri was there. And Frank was like, "How tall are you? Like 6'1"?" And I was like, "No, I'm six feet" and he goes, "Well, no, I'm six feet, and you're taller than me". And I was like, "I don't know what to tell you man, I'm six foot". And then, like three weeks after that, I find out I am fucking 6'1".

Griffin: Wow, you randomly grew an inch at like, you know, in your thirties, just out of nowhere. That's really awesome, Donny, that's so cool to hear. And I'm really happy for you.

Donny: Grif, you should be excited. That should fill you with hope.

Griffin: If I hadn't gone to an endocrinologist when I was like, 17, and they were like, "Yeah, you have scoliosis. It's kind of fucked you, you would probably be about three or four inches taller if you didn't have it. But don't worry, it's not going to get any worse. Because you will not grow anymore for the rest of your life".

Ryan: (Laughs sarcastically) That's great!

Donny: If it makes you feel any better, even if you were three or four inches taller, you would still be short.

Griffin: That's true. But then I would be, like, short. Instead of, like, shorter than short.

Ryan: You gotta peacock. You got to use it to your advantage.

Donny: You wear it well.

Ethan: And speaking of you, Griffin, what's our next matchup?

Griffin: Let's see. Okay, up next is Chip Zdarsky versus Stephanie Phillips.

Ethan: This one we really only threw in because Stephanie's a professional fighter and it's just fun to imagine.

Donny: What you should really do with that is how many Chip Zdarskys can she kill before--

Ethan: That's our next question! Our next question was 10 Chip Zdarskys versus Stephanie Phillips.

Griffin: Is ten a fair amount?

Donny: No. Not at all, no.

Ryan: Chip just stands there trying to make jokes to, like, defuse the situation. Each of them gets pummelled.

Griffin: You want to see if Chip wants to chime in on this?

Ryan: No.

Donny: No.

Ethan: Alright. Alright, let's move on. We were just talking about some of these guys. My question would be an original Image group showdown between Todd McFarlane versus Erik Larson versus Rob Liefeld versus Jim Lee, who comes out on top?

Donny: So it's just a battle royale of the seven, of the original seven?

Ryan: You don't have Silvestri in there.

Ethan: I had it kind of narrowed down--

Donny: But no, it's seven, I think seven men enter, one man leaves. So here's what I'm gonna do. First of all, I'm going to rank these guys. So, Silvestri's got mad reach. He's so tall. Ryan, you're like, what? 6'4"?

Ryan: Yeah, he's like 6'7".

Donny: Yeah, he's gotta be, right? Yeah, yeah. And like big too. Like a bigger guy. So reach-wise, that guy's just gonna be stomping fools. Right? Liefield's got intensity, like a feral badger. Like, he's gonna get in there and he's gonna start trying to hurt people.

Ryan: He's gonna make a mistake, though, because he's going too crazy.

Donny: I feel like tactically-wise, he's not going to last very long. Because he's gonna hurt people really bad, but he's gonna get taken out pretty fast. Right? Then you got Jim, who isn't the biggest guy in the world. But Jim is SMART.

Ryan: He's gonna be playing the chess game.

Donny: Yeah, he's gonna do a chess game. He's gonna wait for all the bigger guys to get themselves tired out, and then he's gonna get in there and start fucking taking advantage of them when they're a little bit more weak. But then, we come to the big gun on the table, which is Todd McFarlane, former almost-professional athlete...

Ryan: That's exactly what I was thinking.

Donny: Todd McFarlane, who I believe will just murder fucking everyone on that field with the chains he is constantly wearing around his neck.

Ethan: Right.

Donny: I have met every single one of these guys. Erik is the biggest sweetheart in the world. I don't see Erik, like, as much of a fighter. I could be wrong about that. I think it's gonna come down to a very bloody Silvestri versus Todd. And then between the two of those, it's whoever has to take a pee break first.

Ryan: Apparently Todd doesn't pee, they told us at CGC.

Donny: Yeah, Todd doesn't pee.

Ethan: Interesting.

Griffin: Okay.

Donny: Have you ever heard this?

Ethan & Griffin: No.

Donny: This is a very public thing. I'm not sharing anything. Todd has talked about one of his negotiating tactics, when he's negotiating a contract and stuff, is that he can outwait anybody who needs to pee. He can literally sit there for, like, 12 hours and not pee.

Ethan: That's actually super intimidating.

Donny: When he does signings at like, CGC and stuff, they'll be like, "We're all gonna take a break for lunch and stuff", and he's just like, "No". That dude, when he puts his mind to something, there's no one in the world who can get in his way. So I think Todd takes that.

Griffin: I'm curious, because it's the battle of the two nicest folks that we've met so far. In all the names in comics that we have come across during the shows and such, I think the two nicest, kindest folks we've met are Matthew Rosenberg and Daniel Warren Johnson. And I want to know--

Donny: Rosenberg by a COUNTRY MILE.

Ethan: Really?!

Donny: You don't fucking KNOW about Matthew. Matthew is the sweetest person in the world. He was my best man when I got married. He's my best friend in the entire world besides Stegman over there, but you don't know how that dude came up in New York. He was a hardcore, straight-edge, would like go into like Nazi punk bars, and like fucking start smashing beer bottles out of people's hands and shit. And like, he was a road manager for punk bands in the fucking like, early 90s in New York.

Ethan: Crazy!

Donny: No, no, you don't even know. He did a fucking comic book with the Wu Tang Clan.

Ethan: Yes. We did know that!

Donny: And then they refused to sign the comics, and he went into the studio and told him he wasn't going to leave until they fucking signed them.

Ethan: That's badass.

Donny: Yeah, dude. Dude. There's only a couple of laws in the fucking jungle and chief among them is nobody fucks with the Wu Tang Clan. Except, apparently, Matthew Rosenberg. Don't even get me fucking started on that.

Ethan: Does it help that among Daniel's standard equipment is probably a guitar?

Griffin: He's a wrestling fan too, so--

Ryan: I'm gonna say this: No, listen, my seven year old could beat up Daniel.

Donny: Yeah. Daniel Warren Johnson called me today, I was at a car dealership buying a fucking new whip.

Ethan & Griffin: (Laughter)

Donny: He called me today, he was like "Hey man, I'm sorry, I don't mean to bug you, but I'm doing a print, and I was gonna put like all the characters from like my creator-owned books and stuff, would it be okay if I put like, some Ghost Fleet stuff on there?" And I was like... "Dan, you own the property". And he was just like, "Yeah, I just wanted to make sure" and I was like, "Yeah, dude. Yeah, you're good man".

Ethan: And then you beat the shit out of him.

Donny: (Laughs)

Ryan: Can I tell a story about Dan real quick? He got on Skype one time, and he told me that the night before was his fantasy football draft with his church, and that he went to load it up on his computer and it wouldn't work. And so it was auto-drafting for him and so he just sat there and cried.

All: (Big Laughs)

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